Pureblood Sex Ed
by jamc91
Summary: Harry's got an itch. An itch in his pants, actually. It's Christmas break, and no one's around to help - or so he thought. Harry manages to get Ginny to aid him, and learns the reason why no one ever makes "wand" jokes...


Note: Do not take this seriously. It is a cracky!fic. Not quite a crack!fic, but I think it has elements of one. In any case...yeah. It's a joke, okay?

*

Harry Potter was a normal teenage boy.

Well, as normal as a boy who had a lightning bolt-shaped curse scar on his forehead, had the ability to speak to snakes, and had escaped an insane megalomaniac Dark Lord when he was one year old could be. Also, he was a wizard.

All that aside, Harry Potter was a very normal teenage boy. A normal teenage boy with normal teenaged thoughts and wants and needs. And right now, this normal teenage boy had a serious itch he needed to scratch.

He needed a good hard shag, right now.

This was a great dilemma. This was the first time this had happened during a long holiday, and all of his usual companions had gone home. Hermione was out of the question; she was like a sister to him, and Harry didn't go for incest.

Ginny was, perhaps, an option. But it would be good to think of backups in case that didn't work out (Ron was also around and Harry didn't know how he'd react to Harry Potter hitting on his little sister).

The girls he normally went to comprised quite a bit of his year's population: Parvati, Padma, Lavender, Hannah, Sally-Anne, Lisa, and Megan. They'd all left for the holidays. That didn't leave many choices.

Cho was his first thought, but an easy rejection. Susan Bones was tied a bit too closely to the Ministry, which he tended to associate with bad skill. It would also have made things a bit awkward if he ever bumped into her aunt at some point. It was quite a pity, but Harry didn't want to take any chances after that disastrous first time with Morag MacDougal. That girl would never be on any of his lists ever again, except on the list of 'Biters'.

There were two not-entirely-bad-looking Slytherins, Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis. They would go at the bottom of his list; he didn't entirely trust Slytherins. Nor did he know anything about their sexual prowess.

After a bit more thought, Su Li and Mandy Brocklehurst also went on his list. Su looked a bit like Cho, if only because they were both Asian, and hopefully she'd have a better personality. Harry just liked the name Mandy (Brocklehurst was a bit iffy - always made him think of sausages for some reason...the edible kind, that is - but he could deal).

He counted the names. From his year, he had four. Including Ginny, that made five. That was probably enough for now; he really needed to scratch that itch soon. He could think of other people later if none of these worked out.

Ginny he found in the common room, doing her homework. He was about to approach her when he noticed Ron sitting with Hermione and casting suspicious glances around the room, eyes darting from Ginny to the males in the surrounding area. He caught sight of Harry and waved. Harry raised a hand in greeting and got out of there quickly.

The next on his list was Mandy Brocklehurst. Students from the other Houses would a bit more difficult to find, but he'd managed with Hannah and the others.

On his way to the Great Hall, he passed several empty classrooms. One in particular was of interest, as he heard some suspicious noises coming from it. As he approached the door cautiously, it became quite clear that things were getting hot and heavy in there.

Curious and rather jealous that someone had relieved their tensions when he couldn't, he pushed the door open a crack and peeked in.

He felt his jaw drop and his spine stiffen (and that wasn't the only part of him that did). He'd never use that desk in this classroom ever again.

Actually, he just might. It would make for a pleasant memory.

He rather wanted to continue watching, but they might notice him at some point and then how awkward would that be? Plus, he still needed to take care of his problem. Harry quietly shut the door and crossed both Su Li and Mandy Brocklehurst off his mental list.

Now he was just down to the Slytherins. Harry frowned. This would be quite hard to accomplish. All Slytherins seemed to hate him for some unknown reason. Nevertheless, he needed help, and if he was willing to grovel (which he was, to an extent) he might get what he wanted/needed.

He started heading back to the common room first. In retrospect, he had no idea why he did this, but he would thank the higher powers for it later, for it saved him from terrible embarrassment from even more of his classmates.

'Harry, hi!'

'Oh. Hello, Ginny.' Harry looked up and down the corridor. 'Is Ron not with you?'

'No, why do you ask?'

'No reason.' This was good. It saved him from more work. He ran a hand through his hair and noticed that Ginny's eyes followed the movement. Excellent, easy prey. 'So...where are you headed to?'

Ginny blinked, and seemed to snap herself out of a minor trance. 'Oh, I just finished my homework, so I was headed to the kitchens for a bite to eat. Want to come with?' She gave him a hopeful expression.

Harry hoped that expression was an unfunny joke on her part. He did not need a clingy monogamous girl. 'Yeah, of course.' He fell into step beside her.

*

Fifteen minutes later, they had abandoned their trip to the kitchens in favour of a trip to an empty classroom. Ginny was giggling almost hysterically as Harry shut the door behind them.

He turned to face Ginny and blinked in surprise. She was sitting on a desk twirling her wand between her fingers, smiling at him.

Probably just a contraceptive charm, he reasoned.

'Get your wand out, Harry, if we're going to do this properly,' said Ginny.

Harry blinked in surprise again. She was being quite forward. Oh well, he was fine with that. As long he got some foreplay. It just wasn't any good without foreplay. He started to unbuckle his belt.

Ginny tilted her head to one side curiously. 'What are you doing, Harry?'

Harry looked at her, not stopping what he was doing. 'Getting my wand out, like you told me to,' he said with a lecherous grin.

'Er...do you usually store your wand inside your trousers?'

'Of course, where else would it go?'

'Maybe in your pocket, or up your sleeve?'

'Wait, what?' Harry suddenly had a mental image of himself taking a bloody 'wand' out from inside his sleeve and promptly tried to rid himself of it. 'What d'you mean?'

'What are you talking about?'

'What?'

'What?'

There was an awkward silence in the room. Harry had stopped undoing his trousers, but his hand unconsciously rubbed his itch.

Ginny noticed. 'Does that itch, Harry?'

'Uh, yeah,' said Harry, hopeful that maybe they were getting back on track.

'Let me help you with that.'

Score! Harry came closer to Ginny as she hopped off the desk. He leaned against it and let his head fall back as her hand began to slowly, gently rub him through his trousers.

The rubbing suddenly stopped. Harry groaned. The tease!

Ginny was frowning. She rubbed him again, and stopped. 'What's this?'

Oh, Merlin, not a virgin. If he'd wanted a virgin he...well, actually, he'd never wanted a virgin. The romance and marriage bit of sex could wait until he got out of Hogwarts, thank you very much. These were supposed to be the best years of his life!

He hoped very much that she was a natural talent or something as she undid his trousers and pulled down his pants.

Ginny stared. 'What on earth?'

It looked like it was not to be. Harry really wanted to shoot something at this point. (He also wanted to shoot, himself, but...he couldn't quite. Which was the crux of the problem.) 'Ginny, how old are you? Haven't you ever had sex ed?'

'That sounds familiar...' Her brow was furrowed in thought. 'Oh! Yeah, it's that weird thing Muggles do to make babies or something, right?'

'Well, that's one reason, but...hold up, what did you say?'

'It's that thing Muggles do to make - '

'Muggles do?'

'Well, yes, wizards make babies differently. I must say, I do think our way is better. Not quite as messy and all.'

Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. This must all be some bad dream or something. 'How...how do wizards...make babies, then?' he asked, almost afraid to know.

Ginny rolled her eyes. 'Honestly, Harry, how do you think?' She waved her (magic) wand in front of him.

'You just cast a charm? That's it?'

'Well, it's not really a charm. I don't quite know what to call it, though...maybe an enchantment? My mum says it's more like a hex,' she said, smiling at the memory.

Harry felt like crying (not that he would ever do that, of course, he had more dignity and manliness than that). His itch had completely subsided by now. He looked at his limp 'wand' and could almost see its tears (not the good kind). With a sigh, he tucked himself back in and did up his trousers.

'So,' said Ginny eagerly. 'Shall we?'

Harry looked up in alarm. 'What?'

Ginny just raised her wand in response.

'Erm, I just remembered something Really Important I have to do,' Harry managed to stammer out, edging towards the door. Possibly the emphasis in the capitals would fool her into thinking that he actually had something Really Important to do.

'But Harry, I thought you wanted to make babies with me!' Ginny wailed. Of course, nothing makes a man run faster than that, and he swiftly fled.

*

Hermione found him sitting in the common room by the fire, holding his head in his hands. 'What's wrong, Harry?'

He was never going to tell. He was going to take that secret to his grave. 'Nothing.'

Hermione sighed. 'It must be something. Tell me. It always helps to tell someone.'

'Nothing happened.'

There was a short silence.

'Did Ginny scare you away with her talk of baby-making?' Hermione asked.

Harry's head shot up. 'What?'

She nodded knowingly. 'I knew it.'

'How?'

Hermione shrugged modestly. 'Well, Ginny followed you shortly after you left the common room, there was a blue moon last month, and pure-bloods can't have sex,' she said matter-of-factly. 'It was quite obvious after I put the clues together, really.'

Harry didn't quite follow, but he didn't question it. '...Okay.' Then the last part of what she'd said finished processing. 'Wait, what? What was that last bit?'

'Pure-bloods can't have sex?'

Harry's mouth opened, then closed. 'Er,' he said eloquently. 'why not?'

'They possess no genitalia.'

Harry felt like this should be something he was laughing at. 'You're joking, right?'

'No. You see, wizards and witches don't actually make babies by having sex. They make babies using magic.'

Harry's jaw was hanging open. 'Well yes, I knew that part already. But...they don't have...really?'

'Yes, I also found it quite surprising when I first learned about it. Evidently sex and magic don't mix. Why do you think the wizarding population is so low? The fetus creation spell, _Solicividus_, doesn't create any pleasure. It's a completely functional spell used to make a woman pregnant. Other than the whole intercourse thing, having children is pretty much the same, though.'

'They have no genitalia,' Harry repeated softly. 'They can't have sex. The poor things.' His embarrassment had been overcome by the sheer pity he felt for wizards. He also realised that this was why all pure-blood girls seemed to have really flat chests.

Hermione nodded in agreement. They both had a brief moment of silence for wizardkind. Then something clicked in Harry's mind.

'How did you know that?' Harry asked suspiciously.

Hermione's face turned pink. '...I read it.'

Harry eyed her flushed cheeks. 'I don't believe you. You should tell me, you know, it always helps to tell someone.'

Hermione glared at Harry's smirk. 'No.'

'I knew you were lying.'

Hermione realised she'd fallen into his trap and glared even more. Harry was feeling quite pleased with himself.

'You know I'm not going to give up until you tell me.'

Hermione sighed. 'Promise you won't tell anyone?'

Harry nodded, crossing his fingers behind his back.

'I know you're crossing your fingers.'

Harry held up both his hands with uncrossed fingers, crossed his toes, and smiled angelically at Hermione.

She frowned at him. 'All right. Fine. Ron asked me out.'

'Finally!' Harry pumped his fist in the air. 'How'd you get from a date to...that...so quickly though?'

Hermione rolled her eyes. 'We didn't. Either dates are taken much more seriously in the wizarding world, or Ron was coming on really strong. In any case, he asked if I wanted to make babies with him. Those were his exact words.'

Harry choked on his saliva in laughter. He really needed to find Ron after this. Then again, he might not understand why Harry needed to rib him for this.

Hermione waited until his coughing fit subsided to the occasional snicker and continued. 'As you can imagine, I was rather taken aback. I told him that it was a big step, and I wasn't ready to have children, let alone have sex, and anyway this was only our first date. And then he asked me what sex was.'

He was having an unsuccessful time trying to keep in his chuckles by now, hand over mouth and trying not to let the guffaws escape.

Hermione sighed. 'Eventually it all got explained.'

Harry looked thoughtful for a moment. 'But why did both Ron and Ginny want to have children this early? We're not even out of school.'

'I asked Ron that same question. He told me it was the Weasley way. Apparently, all the Weasleys were taught from a young age that _when it feels like the right person, and the time is right_...well.'

'Mrs Weasley must be so disappointed she hasn't any grandchildren yet.' Harry laughed.

Hermione, whose face had been lightening back to its natural shade, suddenly turned red again. Harry noticed this and pounced. 'What? What other embarrassing situation do you have to tell me?'

She frowned at him, but he remained undaunted, giving her the infamous 'Potter puppy eyes' (which had never worked, but one of these days!).

'He told you he didn't have a...wand?' Harry guessed.

'He insisted on showing me. It was extremely disturbing. When I get home, I'm going to find and destroy all of my Ken dolls.'

Harry buried his face in a cushion, shoulders shaking.

*

April 23, 1978:

'Why, James,' said Lily with a laugh, 'is that your wand, or are you just happy to see me?'

'Er...both?' James replied, confused.


End file.
